Build God, Then We'll Talk
by Etiquette Darling
Summary: There were two things in school that caused Melanie Carter to violently eye roll at the drop of a hat: Idiots, and Show Choir. Read the dramas of Glee through the eyes of an innocent bystander who would much rather be at home watching C-SPAN
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **The only characters I own are the ones you don't recognise. It sucks I know.

**Summary: **There were two things in school that caused Melanie Carter to violently eye roll at the drop of a hat: Idiots, and Show Choir. Read the dramas of Glee through the eyes of an innocent bystander who would much rather be at home watching C-SPAN, in case you were wondering.

**AN: **The only romance that will be seen is the stuff represented in the TV show, complete with snarky commentary and missing moments starting just after episode 5. This first chapter is just a character introduction, the next chapters will be chock filled with the shows characters you know and love.

* * *

There are a number of things that I hated about wanting to get into a good college.

Having to take U.S History with Mr. Hackwell, who probably didn't know the Cold War was over, let alone the difference between a Post Revisionist and an Orthodox historical perspective was one of them. Occasional participation as a Mathlete throughout the year (and in turn getting my car egged) was another. Of all of the ridiculous things I participated in however, the one that caused her the most pain, the most humiliation and that looked best on a college transcript, the four syllables that made me shudder as I read them on my day planner were these: peer tutoring.

I know what you're thinking "Peer tutoring? What the hell is she whinging about? Help some special-ed kids get a better education, write it down as an extracurricular and leave school feeling a little better about your self that day".

Well, you've probably never had to explain irony to a 16-year-old who's flunking English and has taken one too many footballs to the head. I'm just glad I'm not Zachary Oberman, he tutors math and chemistry to a couple of the cherieos, and I can only imagine that would be like extracting teeth, without the satisfaction of a job well done.

We did it anyway though because certain activities _said_ things on a transcript.

Peer tutoring said "I'm smart". Peer tutoring said "I care".

Peer tutoring said "I, a school aged intellectual, am big enough to get over the fact the people I'm tutoring have on many occasions tried to make my life a living hell and I am using my intelligence to improve their chances of graduating", or at least I hoped it did. Otherwise, I was screwed.

So there I was, sitting in a classroom with a number of my contemporaries, lesson plan set out and a list of three names in front of me. For one year I had had to tutor Noah Puckerman. One painful year. Now, it appeared, his friend, Finn Hudson was joining him. That was, if Noah Puckerman ever wanted to show up.

In lieu of checking my watch for the fourth time I wracked my brain for any reason, apart from laziness and complete disregard for anyone but his Mohawked self, that Noah Puckerman would be late, and then it hit me.

Glee club.

I tried not to think about it too hard. The idea of the guy who locked George Edwards in a utilities closet overnight for admitting he watched and enjoyed Gossip Girl, participating in anything other than cougar hunting and attending post game keggers was too much for my brain to cope with. It was because of this I pretended it simply didn't exist and thanks to my general avoidance of all things show choir, I managed.

We hadn't had a tutoring session since he had joined however, so it stood to reason, he was in the auditorium harmonizing, or something equally as camp and therefore couldn't come to a lowly tutoring session.

In the surrounding room each of the peer tutors had been joined by their prospective charges and I was the only one sitting alone. The supervising Math teacher had disappeared behind his marking and I considered pushing out of my chair and going to the auditorium, at least to organise a more appropriate time. It was going to be an effort (the auditorium was on the other side of the school) but it was better than sitting in a room full of slow learners and frustrated honours students, pretending to look affronted and checking my watch for show.

Honestly, if Noah Puckerman didn't want to come to tutoring, I didn't care. I still had two other tutes lined up and it still went on my record as an extracurricular, the supervisor however seemed to be under the impression that I took my position as tutor very seriously (after all I was the only student with a lesson plan) and I didn't really feel like altering that perception for him.

"Mr. Lee?" I asked from my desk "I think my tutee has a rehearsal, can I go see if he's in the auditorium?"

Mr. Lee waved towards the door from behind the paper he was grading and I took it as my chance to stand up, cross the floor, and leave.

***

My glasses had a bad habit of sliding down my nose at inopportune moments. During speeches, when meeting people for the first time, whenever I tried to look anything other than dorky (a feat I rarely tried to accomplish now) my glasses would slide down my nose and I'd have to push them back up, establishing myself as the nerdiest most awkward person in the school. Well, no, that wasn't entirely true. Seth Walker was the nerdiest most awkward person in the school, I was the invisible geek who somehow managed to avoid getting terrorised too much at school (it's called keeping your head down, you'd think after two years of slushies to the face other members of the student body would have caught on to it as well) whilst maintaining the second highest GPA in the grade.

Anyway, the point was, my glasses were determined to have me socially ostracised.

"Um excuse me" I walked into the auditorium to face a group of mismatched students all looking at me like they'd never seen someone pair a band T-shirt with argyle before.

"Oh, come on in Melanie" Mr Shuester beckoned me and I shuffled out from the door way grinning a little awkwardly "What can we do for you?"

I could see Noah Puckerman staring at me like I'd grown another head and I felt my glasses creep closer to the end of my nose. Clearing my throat and trying to ignore both of the distractions I spoke in what I hoped was a nonchalant but controlled tone.

I think it would have worked better had I not started with 'Um'

"Um, it's just, I usually tutor Noah Puckerman now, it's part of the peer tutoring program the school does and I was just wondering if he was still doing it since he's got" I could feel the laugh bubbling at the back of my throat and I ignored it, instead focusing on the fact my glasses were travelling with increasing speed to the tip of my nose, I cleared my throat "Glee Club now if he wanted to organise another time or just stop his participation in the tutoring sessions" My restraint broke and I used my index finger to shove my glasses back up my nose as I half smiled around the room.

A very large part of my brain was screaming at him to say that he would no longer be attending tutoring sessions. That he weighed up his options and decided that he would rather sing harmonies with Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel than learn about Hamlet with me. It would mean one free hour and a half that I usually didn't have on a Tuesday and that I'd never have to speak to him again. Oh and how I wished that was the case. I had come to the conclusion the year before that my locker being next to his had some sort of negative affect on my IQ, I can only imagine the intellectual wonders I could achieve if I literally dropped all contact with him.

I really thought he was going to say it, say 'no I won't keep up tutoring, I'll flunk out of high school and clean pools until I die of alcohol poisoning or untreated syphilis' but something strange happened. His eyes flicked to Finn Hudson, who sat a few feet to his left, hand in hand with Quinn Fabray. The cheerleader had her eyebrows raised at him, a strange condescending look on her face. Noah Puckerman's jaw clenched and he turned back to me, glaring; something I felt was entirely unnecessary.

"Yeah, you can tutor me another time" He snapped crossing his arms.

I can only imagine the unflattering look of disbelief on my face as I took in his response "Really?" I started before cutting myself off "I mean did you want to organise a time now or…?"

The rest of Glee club had disintegrated into conversation. Quinn Fabray, still with Finn Hudson in hand was partaking in an animated discussion with two of the other cheerieos (I didn't know their names, they all sort of blurred into the one person in their uniforms). Artie, who I knew from Mathletes was sitting with Tina, another one of my tutees who was quietly reading over some sheet music. Rachel Berry appeared to be pining as she sat, in between Mercedes and Kurt, gazing longingly over at Finn Hudson. Though my status as fellow geek determined I should feel some sort of sympathy for her situation all I could bring myself to feel was resigned annoyance.

"Puck, you can go with Melanie and get that all organised" Mr. Shuester, pushing himself off the piano he had been leaning on making to get the attention of the rest of the group.

When Noah Puckerman walks over to a teenaged girl one of three things usually occur, nervous stuttering, a flushed complexion and/or fidgeting. He knew it, I knew it. I'm pretty sure the only person who wasn't aware of it was Rachel Berry and that's because whenever he approaches her it's usually with slushie in hand and ducking sort of puts an end to any fidgeting she might otherwise partake in. I however was too busy raising my eyebrows, in what I hoped to be a semi reproachful fashion, in his general direction to participate in afore mentioned activities.

"So" I started pulling out my planner and my favourite pen (complete with perfectly moulded detachable grip) and once again pushed the frames of my glasses up the bridge of my nose, I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes "Um, I tutor on Tuesdays and Thursdays-"

"I have football practice on Thursdays"

"What time do you finish? There's usually time for two sessions after school so if you come straight after practice on Thursdays then-"

"You can't tutor later today?"

"Nope, I've got another tute" He looked aggravated for a moment and I took a second to arrange my face in an expression that said something other than 'pipe down moron, this is my time we're taking up here' before elaborating "Finn Hudson actually, he needs help with U.S history and English"

Puck didn't seem to care too much about his friend's tutoring sessions so I quickly cut myself off and brought my hands to the strap of my satchel bag, avoiding eye contact and looking at the space above his right shoulder (everyone else had piped down by this stage to listen to Mr Shuester ramble about 'achieving your dreams' or something equally as nauseating). He seemed in thought about something, I say 'seemed' because watching Noah Puckerman think about anything for an extended period of time was something I'd never experienced so I could only assume that was what was going on.

"Fine."

"Alright, I'll see you then"

I shouldn't have continued speaking. By the time the first syllable was out of my mouth he had turned and flounced (ok ok, _walked_) over to the rest of the group.

With one last look over my shoulder I made my own way over to the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Ok, so the story line occasionally may be a bit skewed (like the amounts of days between things) but the order will be the exact same. Sorry for any inaccuracies!

**Disclaimer:** Standard disclaimer, if I owned anything the show would be airing much earlier in Australia and I wouldn't have to rely on Torrents and youtube to get my glee fix.

Enjoy :)

*******

Finn Hudson was quite possibly the biggest idiot I had ever met.

I know that it sounded rude and I'd never say it to his face (at least in words he'd understand) but it was the truth. He was simply an idiot.

Part of me was hoping that the largely unsuccessful hour and a half I had spent squeezing information on the themes present within Hamlet and the major events leading to the American Civil war out of him (in which time I'm almost certain he began to fall asleep at least twice) had something to do with his most likely poor sleeping patterns. The other, predominantly negative, much more realistic side of my brain (the one that told me that Santa didn't exist when I was 5) however was resigned to the fact that this was just going to be another year of 'Melanie Carter and the idiot jock' on repeat. The fact that he wasn't a complete asshole just made things worse.

I was one thing to be an idiot that I could hate (Exhibit A: Noah Puckerman) but one that was reminiscent of my childhood pet golden retriever was little more difficult to contemptuously scoff at.

Not that that stopped me from doing it internally, mind you.

After all, he really was an idiot.

After closing my locker, Manilla folder now sitting on top of copy of Hamlet and my trigonometry notes, Finn Hudson's idiocy still reeling through my mind as I tried to fathom just _what_ he spent his time doing in class when everyone else was at least pretending to pay attention I made my way to my next destination.

***

I didn't know if it was pathetic that I was used to Noah Puckerman looking at me like I'd grown another head whenever I walked into a room. Because that was the only way I could describe the look on his face as I busted in on yet another Glee Club rehearsal. This one was distinctly lacking in the oestrogen department. It was also distinctly lacking in the aforementioned idiot who I was looking for.

"Hey sorry to interrupt" I stood at the door, manilla folder in hand and my other books shoved under my arm awkwardly, I could feel them slipping as I stood there and continued my speech with as much speed as possible so I could leave and readjust them and my glasses which, true to form were sliding down my nose "Is Finn Hudson here?"

Kurt Hummel, who was mid way filing his nails looked up at me and said, in a voice that shocked me every time it left his mouth "Oh, god you're not in love with him too are you?"

"Excuse me?" I had only barely restrained a snort of laughter before I answered, Manilla folder still in outstretched hand.

"It isn't really that strange a query" Artie, who was sitting closest to the door started reasoning "I'd gauge that 75% of the sophomore female population has a 'crush' on Finn at any given time"

"Yeah he's real dreamy" Noah Puckerman snapped "What did you want him for?"

After internalising some amazing gay humour concerning Noah Puckerman, Finn Hudson and singing 80's love ballads in the football locker showers I cleared my throat and tried again "Um he left some of his U.S history notes at our tutoring session on Tuesday"

"And?"

"And" I continued, trying my hardest to ignore Noah Puckerman's glare of apathetic disdain "I was going to return them to him?" My voice ended in a question before I dove into the next sentence "So, um, is he going to be here or?"

"He went to the school nurse" Artie said "He just fell asleep mid conversation"

"Oh well" I looked at the folder in my hand and struggled to keep the other notes pinned between my arm and my ribcage "Um, could you give these to him?" I looked around the room, sizing up each of it's members, I had a good feeling that Noah Puckerman wouldn't accept anything from me that came in a Manilla folder, I hadn't a clue if Finn Hudson even talked to the two other random Jocks who were straddling chairs around the room, I didn't know if Kurt was still on the receiving end of the morning dumpster ritual and I was pretty sure the only time he and Artie shared airspace was during Glee rehearsals. Beside me there was a large book shelf and after a millisecond's consideration I placed the folder on it "I'll just leave it there, for when rehearsal's over. Just make sure he gets it"

Exiting the room, and hastily reorganising my notes (from under my arm to my left hand), I made to push up my glasses. Midway through this action, and halfway down the corridor my shoulder was clipped by a tall, semi familiar, sweater clad figure.

"Oh Excuse me!" came a bright response to my less than cavalier flailing "Melanie isn't it?"

I hadn't expected the person to speak to me or know my name regardless of who they were (unless they were Jacob, and if I had run into him I would have been out of the hallway and into a decontamination shower before you could say 'Miss Pillsbury who?'). Generally speaking I didn't go noticed by the general public (except Jacob, but he didn't really count) I had this 'I'm an easily shaken nerd do not come within 50 feet of me' vibe that was generally hard to shake regardless of its inaccuracy. The fact that the person (now recognisable as Finn Hudson, quite shockingly) was now engaging me in an apologetic and increasingly fervent shoulder pat, understandably threw me for a loop. The fact that apparently minutes ago he had been in the process of nanna napping didn't really help either.

"Uh- yes" I narrowed one eye sceptically as the practically bouncing teenaged boy (who up until recently appeared to have been in a semi comatose state) shrugged his shoulders before I cut in "I, um, left your history notes in the Choir rehearsal room, on the cabinet closest to the-"

"Oh yeah, Tutoring! I was wondering where I knew you from because I don't really recognise people who wear glasses but now I remember. Hey you talked about 'Hamlet' on Tuesday didn't you. I really didn't have any idea what you were talking about though so I think tonight I'm going to go home and read it"

"You're going to go home and read 'Hamlet'?" My mind, still not quite catching up with the fact that he was admitting (rather loudly might I add and in a crowded corridor) to partaking in peer tutoring with me and the fact that up until recently he had been in a permanently semi comatose state, seemed content to simply repeat whatever he said until it decided to catch up.

"Yeah!" his face broke into a large grin and I was distinctly reminded of my 6-year-old cousin

"'Hamlet's a four hour play"

My mind seemed to have progressed from repeating whatever Finn Hudson (who could have been vibrating and emitting a low humming sound with the amount of energy he was suddenly equipped with) to stating random bits of trivia. Thankfully (but not entirely shockingly, as I said before, Finn was an IDIOT) he didn't seem to notice any lapse in my social skills, in fact almost before I had finished speaking he had enthusiastically patted me on the shoulder (which almost sent me reeling into a set of lockers) in what I could only assume to be farewell before making his way to the room I had just vacated.

"See you on Tuesday for tutoring!" He called over his shoulder as he bounded down the hallway, knocking into a few concerned looking students as he waved over his shoulder.

"Uh, yeah see you?"

***

I was beginning to think that the world was on crack, or some other sort of illicit highly addictive substance that the school board refused to let us learn about, even if it was just for preventative measures. My run in with Finn Hudson had been a starting off point of the weirdness, his energy apparently had been infectious. No seriously, _infectious_. I was pretty sure that there was some sort of communicable disease going around because the next day (after tutoring a more incoherent than usual Tina) Noah Puckerman had walked into the communal tutoring room.

No, not walked, _swaggered_.

With the enthusiasm of a teenaged boy entering the backstage area of a Victoria's Secret show.

And that was a lot of enthusiasm for someone who was ultimately walking towards an hour and a half of barely suppressed eye rolls and words that he didn't understand coming from a girl who he stared at with some level of distain or disgust whenever they shared a room.

After he circled the table that had been set up twice, bumped fists with a member of the chess club and attempted what I could only assume was supposed to be a wolf imitation, he threw himself into the chair across from me. He then proceeded to use two of my highlighters as drumsticks on the desk, endeavoured to start a group sing along of a Bon Jovi's 'it's my life' and almost achieved involving the majority of the room in a half hearted mosh pit.

Needless to say we were told to move to another room pretty quickly after that.

Thankfully the behaviour didn't last for much longer. He hit a figurative brick wall with around fifteen minutes of the tutoring session left.

So yes, the world was on crack. Finn Hudson was sending me flying towards lockers and Noah Puckerman was showing enthusiasm (even if it was only towards 80's rock) in a tutoring session. It was exactly this thought that was running through my head as I poured through my locker and a few feet away from me Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray appeared to be engaging in civilised conversation, civilised conversation that I could almost over hear if I just leant a little closer.

"_I would have tortured you if the roles were reversed" _

"_I know"_

The conversation now at a definite end (and my curiosity appropriately piqued) Rachel Berry walked passed me on her way down the hallway. Fishing for my last book out of my locker (my U.S history textbook which seemed to be constantly getting lost in the mess of my possessions) I clutched it to my chest and went to close my locker door. I hated to admit it but I was burning to know just what the conversation was about. Call it my inner gossip monger coming out to play, call it over to exposure day time television with my bout of Mono over the summer, call it my lack of life causing me to live vicariously through two people I didn't know or like, whatever it was, it was going to distract me for the rest of the day.

"Hi Melanie"

For a second I almost shrieked. Standing behind my locker door in a way worthy of a Stephen King novel was Jacob. Upon this realisation my urge to shriek and run far far away returned. I didn't though (I hadn't participated in a gym lesson in a long time and chances were Jacob would try to tackle me in the hallway to get me to stop), so I simply put on my best 'I am unimpressed by your existence' face and spoke.

"You know if your blog doesn't become a world wide success and start providing you with income, I think stalker would be a definite fall back career"

I walked past him towards the library, my books clutched protectively to my chest (he had been known to perve, even if I hardly had a rack to speak of) waiting for the ball to drop and the reason for his arrival to become apparent.

"I've got a proposition for you" he started, trailing next to me

"No I will not convince Rachel Berry to pose for your 'the body in art' photography port folio"

"I'll have you know I scratched that idea months ago"

"Talk faster" I was almost at the library by this stage, the salvation of elderly librarians telling people to 'shush' was at my finger tips. Just a set of stairs to go.

"I would like you to edit my upcoming blog entry"

I stopped short for a moment, causing Jacob to stumble and almost fall into a threatening looking jock with an iced beverage in hand. The editing jobs were something I did sporadically for him. Mostly when I was running low on cash and felt like tearing his ego down a couple of levels.

"I do not want to edit part three of 'why Rachel wants to have hot sex with me in various public places'. It's disgusting, inappropriate and morally reprehensible"

Jacob leant into me, wheezing a little from the near sprint I had come at the library with, had I not been so grossed out by the sheen of sweat on his top lip and his general proximity to me I would have marvelled at the level of perfection his 'stalker breathing' had reached.

"What if I told you" he said licking his top lip (I pulled a face) "That the focus of the story was definitely _not _Rachel Berry?"

I raised an eyebrow, threw a look at the library doors (that lay at the foot of the staircase we were standing at) and shrugged.

"$50, have it for me on Monday and you can consider it done"

***

**AN:** Reviews are my anti drug :). Please and thank you!


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